5 Things Being in a Relationship Has Taught Me (Updated)

I wrote this blog on Nov 25, 2019, when I was just starting out my relationship with my then boyfriend, now fiancé (still not used to that haha). I’ve learned a lot over the last three years of intentionally dating, so I wanted to update this blog post knowing that my dating relationship in 2019 will soon be in covenant marriage (still not used to that either haha).

Let me preface this by saying that all the relationships leading up to the one I'm in now have taught me one thing - I was young, I was naive, and my understanding of what it means to be in a relationship was all wrong.

I am still learning what it means to be in a relationship that honors Christ, because everything before this was about selfish desires and vain pursuits. After three solid years of being intentionally single to three years of intentionally dating and now being engaged, I have come to the conclusion that I don't know everything and I never will. I can never be 100 percent prepared for what relationships require and I will constantly be in a posture of learning and growing, which is truly humbling.

Every relationship ebbs and flows to a different rhythm; not one relationship is identical to another. Although there are some parallels, every experience is unique. What I am about to list is not end-all-be-all knowledge. It is, however, lessons I've learned throughout this past year. Maybe it can shed some light on walking in a relationship with Christ and with your significant other.

It's a whole lot of love and a whole lot of grace

Social media makes it easy to filter out the ugly, rough-edged parts of being in a relationship, but the reality is relationships are challenging and oftentimes unraveling.

In my opinion and in my own experience, I have found that loving your person does not reach its fullest potential until it is filled with grace. I can love my significant other when things are great, but can I love him when things are hard and messy? I will make mistakes; he will make mistakes, but if I love him as I say I do will I extend grace with it?

Most people in relationships today love when it's convenient, but love is not about convenience, it's about commitment.

Christ has extended so much grace on us, why should we withhold it at every chance we get? Especially in a relationship that is intended to reflect God's love for the Church. I read once that grace is being given what you don't deserve and mercy is withholding what you do deserve. I believe in the moments of hurt and trial, love with grace can make the difference.

It's not about what you can gain, but how you can serve

If every person enters into a relationship only thinking about what they can gain, no one will ever receive anything.

If I only think about what I want and not what's best for my significant other, then I might as well be in a relationship with myself. If we approach relationships with the mentality of servanthood – how can I serve them best? Everyone's needs will be met; I'm thinking of you and you're thinking of me.

Look at Jesus, our prime example. He came to have a relationship with us and to reconcile our broken relationship with the Father. He came as the greatest Servant of all. His gain was our redemption. His greatest act of service and of love was on the cross (Romans 5:8). He thought about us and put us before His own life. Now, we get a chance to have eternity with Him.

In the same way, we should lay down our lives for our friends (John 15:13). I believe that encompasses all levels of relationships, even your romantic one.

Romanticizing relationships, engagements, marriage, etc. can easily lead to discontentment and idolatry

Ouuf. That’s a tough pill to swallow, I know because that was me a few months back. While seeing so many friends get engaged, married, or have kids I came to a point in my life when I became discontent and I began to idolize the idea of engagement and marriage, and the intrusive thoughts and questions declared its war on my mind. Thank God for His mercy and grace, because had He not convicted me of my heart posture I don’t think I would be where I am today.

It’s easy to get lost in love when love is so thick in the air, but to keep your feet on the ground, getting engaged, and having a wedding is but a moment. Becoming a wife (or husband), life after “I do,” the constant choosing of Christ and others before Self, centers around the glorification of Christ and not the glorification of a moment. The second you put the moments before Christ, it takes a throne in your heart it was never meant to take.

So what did I learn? It’s okay to feel sad that a moment hasn’t come yet; feel what you need to feel, but at the end of the day choose to be content. Enjoy the season you’re in, whether you’re dating or engaged because once that season is over it won’t happen again. While you enjoy it, honor Christ through it. Put Him in the center of whatever season you’re trekking through and love like Jesus so when people see you they see Him.

Every opportunity together is a chance to show the Gospel of Christ's love for the Church

I honestly do not believe God intended relationships to be about self-gratification or filling voids of loneliness. I believe relationships are meant to be windows to the heart of God to show others Christ and make Him known (John 13:35).

In Genesis, God walked through the Garden looking for Adam and Eve. I believe God did not casually walk through the Garden of Eden just to look at all He created like, "Oh cool, I made that." I believe He went there with the intent and desire to walk with Adam and Eve; the same way He desires to walk with us.

I truly believe God gave us this kind of relationship to experience a glimpse of His love for His people, made clearer in the covenant of marriage. We can never fathom God's love because it is too vast for our minds to comprehend. However, I believe He gave us relationships and marriage to have a glimpse of His heart and desire for intimacy with us.

When we walk in God’s love in our relationship, we are reflecting Christ.

Love is not built on a feeling, it's built on Jesus and the choice to commit

If love was built on a feeling, which is fleeting and fickle, then every relationship will eventually come to a bitter end.

Love is choosing to commit to someone even when the feelings aren't there – the giddy, butterflies-in-your-stomach, always smiling and so in love kind of feeling. The reality is, you won't always feel that way. Some days you won't like the person you're with, you find them too difficult to be with when arguments are boiling, or you might be feeling too comfortable because things are all routine.

Saying you love them is saying, "I choose you even when I don't feel like it." Look at Jesus. He chose to love us even though we reject Him hundreds of times - sometimes in a day alone! He chose to commit and finish His mission on earth out of love for us; not out of a feeling, because in the Garden of Gethsemene when He was asking God the Father to take His cup I'm sure He felt like giving up. Yet in His resilience and obedience to the Father, He said, "Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." He chose us instead of choosing to save His life. That is love.

I am only successful in my relationship when I am whole in Christ

It is crucial that your identity is not misplaced in the person you're in a relationship with. We are flawed as human beings because of our inherited sinful nature. The moment you put all your faith in one person, you have already lost because they will fail you one way or another in the same way you will fail them.

It's also unfair to put that kind of pressure on a person to fulfill the needs only Jesus can. Being someone's significant other doesn't mean being the sole fulfillment of their needs. It's a partnership in pursuing Christ together and being filled up with Him so there can be an outpour of His love on each other. When I am transformed more like Jesus, I can love more like Jesus, I can forgive more like Jesus, and I can be more like Jesus – never to perfection like Him, but to the capacity to which He strengthens us to love, to forgive, and to walk in His righteousness.

The more you are in union with Christ, the better you will be at loving one another.

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I have come to learn that being in a healthy, godly relationship doesn't mean being perfect and never making mistakes; it means honoring each other, submitting to one another in reverence to Christ (Ephesians 5:20-21), and walking together in His love to be a window to His heart.

It is 100 percent difficult, but it is 100 percent worth it. So, make it worth it.